INT. Forman Basement – Day (Day 1)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Fez, Annette)
THE GANG, MINUS KELSO, HANDS OUT IN THE BASEMENT. DONNA HOOKS A BRA ONTO A DRESSMAKER’S DUMMY THEY’VE WHEELED OUT FROM THE STOREROOM. HYDE FINISHES BLINDFOLDING FEZ, ERIC STANDS BY WITH A STOPWATCH.
HYDE: Okay Fez. Remember, the bra wants to come off, but it can’t be forced, it has to be coaxed.
ERIC: And go!
FEZ EMBRACES THE DUMMY AND BEGINS WORKING TO UNHOOK THE BRA. A FEW SECONDS AND SNAP, THE BRA’S OFF,
FEZ: And they’re out!
ERIC: Eight seconds, that’s a new foreign exchange student record!
FEZ: (Takes off blindfold) And I thinks she liked it!
DONNA: That’s good FEZ, but remember, the real girl will have a head. And hopefully arms.
THE DOOR OPENS, KELSO ENTERS.
KELSO: Hey guys, have I got a surprise for me… (Calls out) Annette!!!
ANNETTE, A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE ENTERS.
KELSO: That’s right. Annette came all the way from California to visit, because we are in love. Yeah, since Hyde stole my girlfriend, (points to Hyde) that’s him—
ANNETTE: He’s so hairy.
KELSO: I remembered Annette and I called her up and one thing led to another and (Notices dummy) Well hello there.
FEZ: So Annette, when you get bored with this one, (nods to Kelso) I can take a bra off in eight seconds. Maybe more if you fight me.
KELSO: Back off FEZ. What Annette and I have is special.
ANNETTE: Which is amazing because I even told him I used to be flat chested and have a different nose.
KELSO: I figured she looks okay now, so what the hell. Anyways, Annette, you’ll be staying with Donna.
DONNA: Uh what?
ERIC: It’ll be fun. Like having a giant Barbie to play with.
KELSO: Come on, Donna, you were such great friends in California.
DONNA: Friends? The most I ever said to her was, "Yeah, those probably do hurt when they’re sunburned."
KELSO: Well, I need a place to stash her!
HYDE: I got a footlocker in my room but you’ll have to fold her in half.
ANNETTE: Please Donna? I already had to take a shower at Michael’s house and one of his brothers took a picture of me.
ERIC: Kelso, I thought all of your brothers were out of the house.
KELSO: Uh, well, then I guess it was a burglar.
Cut to: Act I:
INT. THE HUB – LATER (Day 1)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Atmos.)
ERIC, DONNA, KELSO, FEZ, AND ANNETTE ARE AT A TABLE. SOME FOOD, INCLUDING FRIES, SITS ON THE TABLE. ERIC, DONNA, AND FEZ WATCH KELSO AND ANNETTE COO. HYDE AND JACKIE WATCH FROM THE ORDER WINDOW.
JACKIE: So, that’s the tramp Michael fooled around with in California? The nerve of him bringing her into The Hub. I mean, people eat here.
HYDE: Hey, can we stop talking about how jealous you are of Kelso’s new chick?
JACKIE: I’m not jealous. But I’d like to point out the sign on the door says, "No Dogs Allowed."
ANGLED ON: THE REST OF THE GANG AT THE TABLE.
ANNETTE: Donna, can we go to your house? I have to change into my afternoon outfit. (TO FEZ) Gauchos and clogs.
DONNA: You have an afternoon outfit?
KELSO: Of course she does. And you could maybe use a little freshen up too, Big D.
DONNA: Eric, do you mind?
ERIC: I’m on it.
ERIC FROGS KELSO REALLY HARD.
KELSO: Ow, Donna.
DONNA: Why don’t I meet you guys by the car?
ANNETTE: Come on Michael. While we’re waiting, I’ll let you smell my hair.
KELSO: But I just got these fries.
ANNETTE: Fine, then I’ll go flirt with the gas station guy.
KELSO: Fine! (TO GANG) How hot was that?
KELSO AND ANNETTE GET UP TO EXIT. KELSO STOPS BY THE DOOR AT A GUMBALL MACHINE.
FEZ: Wow, you know when you have a dirty dream? Annette’s the girl who’s always in it. She should be ashamed of what she’s done to me.
ERIC: I don’t know. She seemed okay in California, but now that she’s got her hooks in Kelso there’s something different.
DONNA: Yeah, Something… evil.
ERIC: I just can’t put my finger on it.
ANNETTE IMPATIENTLY STICKS HER HEAD IN THE DOOR.
ANNETTE: Michael I’m waiting!
KELSO: I was getting you a superball! Damn!
ANNETTE: I told you! I don’t like presents that bounce!
ERIC: Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce. Oh my God, she’s Jackie.
DONNA: A new Jackie.
ERIC: A blonde Jackie
ERIC / DONNA: Blackie!!!
FEZ: We’re doomed!
HYDE AND JACKIE WALK UP. HYDE HAS A HOTDOG.
DONNA: Well, I can’t spend the night alone with that. Jackie, you have to sleep at my house.
ERIC: Good idea. Put both Jackies in the same room, toss a lipstick in the middle and watch them tear each other to shreds.
JACKIE: I’m not sleeping over, I don’t like her.
DONNA: Come on. We’ll do girly things. We’ll make it a pajama party with makeovers.
JACKIE: Donna I'm not interested in stupid girly things, because I'm not shallow anymore.
HYDE HAS A COUGHING FIT.
HYDE: Don't do that when I'm eating!
DONNA: Come on, Jackie, you’ll have all night to chip away at her self-esteem. (TEMPTING) We can whisper about her, then when she asks what we’re talking about, we can giggle and say "NOTHING"
JACKIE: I’ve done that to you!
DONNA: That’s where I got it.
ERIC: Here’s what I think would really teach her a lesson: dress her up like a Swiss mountain girl, us fellas’ll come over, we’ll make some daiquiris, get a little tipsy, see what happens. (OFF DONNA) You’re right that’s not a good punishment. We should spank her too. (OFF DONNA) I love you.
ACT I, Scene B
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – SAME TIME (DAY 1)
RED AND KITTY SIT ON THE COUCH READING.
RED: I don’t hear any kids
KITTY: They're at the HUB
RED: So we have the house to ourselves. Interesting.
A BEAT. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN JUMP UP AND TROT UP THE STAIRS.
DOOR BELL RINGS
RED: Don’t open it. I’ll throw in a foot massage.
KITTY: It might be the Franklin Mint. I ordered some "Gone with the Wind" Plates.
SHE OPENS THE DOOR. IT’S BURT AND BEA. LUGGAGE IN HAND.
KITTY: Mom? Daddy?
RED: I told you not to open it.
KITTY: What are you doing here?
BURT: We just thought we’d stop by.
KITTY: You came all the way from Phoenix just to drop by?
BEA: Well, we were in the car.
RED: So you’re lost and you need directions back to your house. No problem, go south until you see cactus. If you hit a guy in a sombrero, you’ve gone too far.
BURT AND BEA CROSS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND SIT. KITTY AND RED FOLLOW.
KITTY: Okay, why are you really here?
BURT: Well, we have a reversal of fortune.
BEA: Tell them what happened.
BURT: I bought an ostrich farm.
BEA: Tell them what else happened.
BURT: It was next to a coyote farm.
RED: Okay, great story. See you at Christmas.
BEA: He lost all our money. We had to sell the house in Phoenix, which is why we’re here.
KITTY: You’re not moving in?
BEA: Oh no. We’re just going to live with you for a while.
RED: Ostriches, Burt? Who the hell wants to eat an ostrich?
KITTY: Coyotes apparently.
BURT: I wanted a nest egg. Ostriches lay eggs, so it seemed a natural.
BEA: Do you see what I live with?
KITTY: Well, I’m sure Daddy was just doing what he thought was best. You could show him some sympathy.
BEA: Him? What about me? It’s always difficult for the beautiful women. You never understood that, Kitty.
ACT ONE, SCENE C:
FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT/INT. PINCIOTTI DEN – PAJAMA PARTY FANTASY (DAY 1) (Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Annette)
ERIC, HYSE AND FEZ HANG OUT.
HYDE: Jackie’s acting strange, man. I think she doesn’t like Kelso having a new chick.
ERIC: No, Jackie’s acting strange because Jackie doesn’t like Annette because Jackie and Annette are the same person. And that’s scary because there’s one devil, one Hitler, one Darth Vader, never two!
HYDE: Whatever. Something’s going on and I don’t like it.
ERIC: Like, maybe she still has feelings for Kelso?
HYDE: I don’t know, but it’s bad. I got the same feeling I get right before I shoplift something.
FEZ: It’s an old story. Orphan boy falls for rich girl. Doofus shows up with whore. Rich girl goes back to Doofus. Fez consoles whore, sexually. Orphan boy ends up alone, slowly going blind from self-abuse.
ERIC: Fez, that was a detailed and well constructed burn.
FEZ: Hey, Jackie walks all over him, why can’t I?
HYDE STANDS UP.
FEZ: Too far?
HYDE FROGS HIM.
FEZ: I had a feeling it was too far.
KELSO: Guys, what are you doing sitting here when the girls are having a pajama party right next door!
FEZ: Oh, I can just imagine what’s going on over there. FEZ LOOKS OFF AS WE…
KELSO: No, no, FEZ. I got this one. FEZ LOOKS OFF AS WE…
DISSOLVE TO: PINCIOTTI DEN – PAJAMA PARTY FANTASY (Donna, Jackie, Annette)
THE GIRLS WEAR SHORTIE NIGHTIES AND SILK PAJAMAS.
DONNA: I know, let’s have a pillow fight. Even thought it’s hard to do when I’m encumbered by all these clothes. Jackie, take off my nightie.
JACKIE: Not yet, I want to practice kissing.
ANNETTE: Just kissing, or can we rub up against each other, too?
JACKIE: Well, Annette, you can’t have one without the other.
THEY START A GIGGLY PILLOW FIGHT. FEATHERS FLY.
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
FORMAN BASEMENT (Eric, Kelso, Hyde, Fez)
KELSO: (DREAMLY) YAY.
ERIC: You know, it occurs to me you can see right into Donna’s house from my driveway.
HYDE: You don’t say.
THE GUYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT. THEY ALL RACE TO THE DOOR, FIGHTING EACH OTHER TO GET OUT FIRST.
ACT ONE, SCENE D
INT. PINCIOTTI DEN – NIGHT (Day 1) (Donna, Jackie, Bob, Annette)
IT’S NOTHING LIKE THE FANTASY. DONNA AND JACKIE ARE IN FLANNEL PJS. ANNETTE IS THE ONLY ONE WEARING SOMETHING SEXY. SHE WEARS A NIGHTIE. THEY LOOK BORED. ANNETTE GETS UP.
ANNETTE: I’m going to get some Cracker Jacks.
JACKIE: Uch, she’s so cheap she could be the prize in the Cracker Jacks.
DONNA: (LAUGHS) Wow, you’re jealous.
JACKIE: I’m not jealous. I just want to pop that inflatable bitch and watch her fly around the room.
DONNA: Well, here’s the thing Jackie. Kelso likes bossy, vain, shallow, princess types, and since you’re no longer available he shopped one in from out West.
JACKIE: But he’s not suppose to replace me, he’s suppose to sit around and pine for me.
DONNA: Well, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
JACKIE: Donna, it’s always about food with you! It’s like you’re not even listening.
BOB ENTERS, ESCOURTING ANNETTE, WHO CARRIES CRACKER JACKS.
BOB: Okay, new rule for slumber parties: Annette wears a robe.
BOB SHAKES HIS HEAD AND EXITS.
ACT 1, SCENE E
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – NIGHT (DAY 1) (Eric, Hyde, Kelso, Fez, Burt)
THE GUYS STAND ON A COUPLE OF CRATES AND PEEK THROUGH THE HEDGES
KELSO: No Annette! Not the robe! Quick, someone yell "pillow fight" in a girl’s voice!
HYDE: Forman, that’s your cue!
WIDEN TO REVEAL: BURT STANDING BEHIND THEM.
BURT: What are you boys looking at?
THE BOYS JUMP OFF THE CRATES GUILTILY.
HYDE: Uh, we were just testing these crates.
KELSO: For charity!
ERIC: But we’re done now so let’s all just head inside. You coming?
BURT: No, I told your grandmother I was coming outside for a cigarette.
ERIC: Grandpa, you smoke?
AS THE GUYS HEAD INSIDE LEAVING BURT IN THE DRIVEWAY, WE:
ACT 1, SCENE H:
INT. PINCIOTTI DEN – NIGHT (DAY 1) (Donna, Jackie, Annette)
DONNA, JACKIE AND ANNETTE STARE AT EACH OTHER.
DONNA: So, um, so… hey did you guys hear about the woman who might be the first female member of the Supreme Court?
JACKIE: No, but I did hear the Dallas Cowboys might hire their first redheaded cheerleader.
JACKIE: That’s exactly what I said!
THEY BOTH LOOK AT DONNA.
JACKIE: Uh-oh. Redhead in the room.
ANNETTE LEANS OVER, WHISPERS SOMETHING IN JACKIE’S EAR. THEY BOTH GIGGLE.
DONNA: What are you guys talking about?
JACKIE / ANNETTE: Nothing
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT (DAY 1) (Eric, Kelso, Hyde, Fez, Red, Kitty, Bea)
RED AND KITTY WATCH TV AS BEA ENTERS FROM THE DEN LOOKING FOR BURT AS ERIC, KELSO, HYDE AND FEZ ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
BEA: Burt? Burtykins? BURT!!!
RED: Eric, go find your grandfather before my head explodes.
ERIC EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS BEA HANDS OUT QUARTERS.
BEA: You’re all such nice boys, I have a quarter for each of you.
HYDE / KELSO / FEZ: (GLUM) Thanks, Grandma Bea.
ERIC RUSHES BACK IN.
ERIC: Call an ambulance!
KITTY: What’s wrong?
ERIC: Grandpa’s on the ground and he’s not moving!
A BEAT OF STUNNED SILENCE. THEN, RED, KITTY AND BEA RUSH OUTSIDE.
FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO, SCENE K
Int. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – LATER (DAY 1) (Eric, Kelso, Hyde, Fez, Red, Kitty, Nurse (atmos))
EVERYONE BUT KELSO AND KITTY SITS AROUND OR PACES. KELSO ENTERS CARRYING ICE CREAM
KELSO: They got ice cream in the cafeteria!
ERIC: Ice cream? Kelso, my grandfather’s in intensive car.
KELSO: I know. I told them it was my grandpa and they gave me free ice cream.
RED: Put it down.
KELSO RELUCTANTLY PUTS HIS ICE CREAM DOWN.
KELSO: (MUMBLES) Fine, but when my burrito’s ready I’m eating it.
UNSEEN BY THE OTHERS, FEX GRABS THE ICE CREAM AND MOVES AWAY FROM EVERYONE
RED: (TO ERIC) Why does everybody go everywhere with us? Look at all these damn kids. I feel like a Mormon.
ERIC: We should know something by now. (LOOKS OUT INTO HALLWAY) Okay, that’s the third coffee break that doctor’s had. Hey, Buddy, quit the coffee, fix the sickies!
KELSO LOOKS FOR HIS ICE CREAM BOWL. IT’S GONE
KELSO: Hey, who took my ice cream?
EVERYONE LOOKS AT FEZ WHO HIDES SOMETHING BEHIND HIS BACK WITH ONE HAND AND THE OTHER HAND HOLDS THE SPOON.
FEZ: Oh sure it’s always the foreign guy!
HYDE: Fez, you’re holding the spoon.
FEZ: Oh sure it’s always the foreign guy with the spoon!
KITTY ENTERS, MISTY EYED, BUT COMPOSED.
RED: Kitty, how’s Burt?
KITTY: I don’t know how to say this. Daddy’s gone to a better place.
KELSO: Good, cause this hospital sucks! (OFF EVERYONE’S LOOKS) What? (REALIZING) Ohhh! (WHISPERS) This hospital sucks.
SCENE L: INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY 2
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Red, Kitty, Bob, Bea, Annette, Mourners)
THE LIVING ROOM IS SET UP WITH A BUFFET ALONG ONE WALL -- A PUNCH BOWL, MANICOTTI, SMALL SANDWICHES. A FEW MOURNERS ALREADY WANDER AROUND. ERIC, RED, KITTY AND BEA STAND BY THE DOOR IN A RECEIVING LINE. THEY SHAKE A COUPLE OF HANDS, THEN DONNA ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY BOB.
DONNA: Mrs. Forman. I’m so sorry for your loss. (SHAKES BEA’S HAND) The service was lovely.
BOB: (TO KITTY) Aw, geez. (TO BEA) Aw geez (TO RED) Aw-
RED: We get it Bob.
BOB MOVES ON
KITTY: Mom, how’re you doing?
BEA: Oh I’m fine.
KITTY: Mom, your husband, my father, is gone. You’re not fine.
BEA: You’re right. I think I chipped a tooth on your manicotti. When I die, call a caterer.
BEA WALKS AWAY. KITTY THROWS HER HANDS IN EXASPERATION: RED PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER.
KELSO, HYDE, JACKIE, FEZ, AND ANNETTE GATHER AROUND ERIC. JACKIE HAS HER ARM AROUND ERIC.
KELSO: Hey, sorry about your grandpa.
ANNETTE: I didn’t know him, but there’s a Carly Simon song that always cheers me up. (CLEARS THROAT)
ERIC: No, you don’t have to---
ANNETTE: "I HAVEN’T GOT TIME FOR THE PAIN / I HAVEN’T GOT ROOM FOR THE PAIN / I HAVEN’T THE NEED FOR THE PAIN"
ERIC: Okay, thanks--
ERIC: What do I do? Do I clap? I’m gonna walk away. ERIC WALKS OFF
KELSO: (CLAPS) That was awesome! Do you know "The Devil went down to Georgia"?
JACKIE: No, Michael, she’s got more important things to do. Come on, let’s go try on people’s coats.
THE TWO GIRLS WALK AWAY. FEZ GRABS HYDE.
FEZ: So the rich girl goes off with whore. That’s a happy ending. Put it on ice and you’ve got yourself a show!
HYDE: Jackie’s friends with Annette now? Maybe I don’t have anything to worry about.
FEZ: Never count Kelso out. He’s got a way about him. When he talks to you, it’s like you’re the only person in the room.
HYDE: You’re like half in love with him, aren’t you?
FEZ SHRUGS AND CROSSES TO ERIC. DONNA ENTERS WITH A CUP.
DONNA: Hey Eric, I brought you half a beer.
ERIC LOOKS IN CUP.
DONNA: It’s mixed with half a coke, cuz Red caught me. Are you okay?
ERIC: Yes I guess. Thanks for coming.
DONNA: I’m really sorry about your grandfather. Right in your own driveway. What was he doing out there anyway?
FEZ: Oh he caught us spying on your slumber party.
DONNA: You were spying on us? Eric!
ERIC: Hey, if anybody should be mad, it’s us, because lady, you do not know how to throw a slumber party! Flannel pajamas? What are you a hundred?
FEZ: (ANNOYED) Do you need a nightie, I’ll buy you a nightie!
CUT TO: SCENE M
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – LATER (DAY 2) (Eric, Red, Kitty, Bea)
RED, KITTY, AND ERIC CLEAN UP. ERIC FINDS A BOTTLE OF WINE IN A CABINET.
ERIC: So, am I allowed to drink in your presence now?
RED: Eric, put that back. That’s your mother’s emergency wine.
RED PUTS THE WINE IN THE CABINET AS BEA ENTERS.
KITTY: So, mom, you haven’t said much. Are you holding it in? It’s okay to let it out, we’re family.
RED: It anybody wants to let anything out, I’d be happy to leave.
BEA: It’s just so typical of Burt to make everyone come up from Phoenix in the middle of winter. He never thought of anyone but himself and those damn ostriches.
KITTY: Did you hear that? That is not grieving.
RED: Okay Kitty, calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. Maybe you’re having a hot flash.
ERIC: Oh, Dad. No.
KITTY GLARES AT RED. RED LOOKS BACK AT HER LIKE A MAN CONFRONTED WITH AN ANGRY BEAR.
RED: (AFRAID) ERIC, I’m going to need you to get to the wine.
AS ERIC BEGINS TO SLIDE ACROSS THE ROOM, WE:
SCENE P: INT: FORMAN HALLWAY/LAURIE’S ROOM – JUST LATER
(Eric, Kitty, Bea)
KITTY STORMS DOWN THE HALLWAY.
KITTY: My father’s thoughtless? I’ll tell her who’s thoughtless.
SHE REACHES FOR THE DOOR AND BARGES IN.
RESET TO: INT. LAURIE’S ROOM (Kitty, Bea)
KITTY ENTERS AND SEES BEA ON THE BED, QUIETLY CRYING INTO A HANKERCHIEF. KITTY STOPS DEAD.
BEA: What is it?
KITTY: I… well… I just wanted to see if you need another blanket.
BEA: That would be nice, thank you.
KITTY GETS A BLANKET OFF THE FOOT OF THE BED, PURPOSELY NOT LOOKING AS BEA DRIES HER EYES. KITTY PUTS THE BLANKET NEXT TO BEA, HESITATES FOR A MOMENT, THEN AWKWARDLY SQUEEZES BEA’S SHOULDER AND EXITS.
RESET TP: INT. FORMAN HALLWAY
KITTY CLOSES THE DOOR AND TURNS TO GO AS ERIC WALKS UP.
ERIC: Mom, dad wanted me to give you this.
HE HOLDS UP THE BOTTLE OF EMERGENCY WINE. KITTY GRABS HIM AND HUGS HUM AND WON’T LET GO. HE HUGS HER BACK.
ERIC: So the wine works – good to know.
THEY KEEP HUGGING
INT: FORMAN LIVING ROOM – A LITTLE LATER (DAY 2)
JACKIE JOINS DONNA IN THE DEN.
JACKIE: Donna, good news. I’m not jealous of Annette. I thought I was and I was afraid that meant I still have feelings for Michael. But I got to know her and now I really like her.
DONNA: That’s such a relief, because you know what with Burt dying, I was worried about you.
JACKIE: Yeah, me too.
DONNA: That was sarcasm.
JACKIE: Whatever it was, it was very thoughtful. And it’s such a relief to know I don’t have feelings for Michael.
SEES KELSO AND ANNETTE KISSING. ANGRY.
JACKIE: GET OFF MY BOYFRIEND!!!
WIDEN TO SHOW EVERYONE IN THE ROOM STOPS WHAT THEY’RE DOING AND LOOKS AT HER. ESPECIALLY HYDE. FEZ HAS HIS HAND ON HYDE’S SHOULDER. KELSO ENJOYS THE FACE THAT TWO WOMEN DIG HIM.
KELSO: (DELIGHTED) Oh yeah!!!
JACKIE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM, ENDING WITH HYDE. SHE RUNS OUT THE DOOR. EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT HYDE. A LONG BEAT OF SILENCE. THEN:
FEZ: (TO HYDE) I don’t know why she’s so upset. I was barely touching you.
END OF ACT TWO:
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT (DAY 2) (Eric, Fez, Red, Kitty, Bob)
BOB AND FEZ ARE AT THE ORGAN. BOB SINGS, FEZ PLAYS SLOWLY AND BADLY.
FEZ: Okay, this one’s for Burt. And a one and a two…
BOB: "AMAZING GRACE / HOW SWEET THE SOUND / THAT SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME."
FEZ: Bring it home brother!
BOB: "I ONCE WAS LOST / BUT NOW AM FOUND / WAS BLIND BUT NOW –"
ERIC CROSSES TO THE ORGAN, UNPLUGS IT. RED TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS AND THE FORMANS HEAD UPSTAIRS.
KITTY: NIGHT NIGHT
END OF EPISODE