(The basement. Eric is sitting on the couch doing something. Hyde and Kelso walk in the room.)
(He goes to sit at his chair. Kelso sits on the couch next to Eric.)
Kelso: Whatcha doing?
Eric: Just counting my secret stash. I’m getting something special for Donna.
Kelso: Oh, something special, huh? Oh, is it firecrackers?
Kelso: No, no, cause, if it’s something that blows up, I’ll go halfsies.
(Eric just stares at Kelso. Kelso takes this, for once, in the right way, stands up, and walks around to the back of the couch.)
Eric: It’s a promise ring. ‘Cause, you know, Donna and I have been fighting a lot lately…
Hyde: Forman. You get mushy with Donna, she’s gonna see the secret girl inside the man. Now, trust me. You don’t wanna let Erica out.
Kelso: (Sitting back down on the arm of the couch.) Heh heh, Erica. That’s a good burn. You can’t do that with Michael, I’m lucky.
Hyde: Oh, really Michelle?
Kelso: Oh, I forgot about Michelle. (to Eric) Look. Hyde obviously doesn’t understand mature relationships. But I do. And a promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthing off. (He considers what he’s just said.) I’m getting one for Jackie, too!
Eric: Great. Let’s go!
Kelso: All right! Se ya later, Hyde-a…uh, lisha. (To Eric:) What’s a good girlie name for Hyde?
Eric: Uh, Hyde…dringa?
Hyde: It’s Heidi, you morons, Heidi!
- ** **
(A darkish alley. Eric and Kelso are standing around waiting for something.)
Eric: Ok. Is it me, or is this…not a ring store?
Kelso: Will you trust me? I know a guy who knows a guy. He’ll be here any minute.
(A figure wearing a hooded jacket walks up. We can’t see his face. He moves the hood aside and we see that it’s…)
Leo: Hey dudes.
Eric: Leo’s the guy? Kelso, I thought you knew a guy who knew a guy.
Kelso: Yeah, I do.
Eric: But I know Leo.
Kelso: Fine, so you’re the guy!
Eric: So…Leo, you sell promise rings?
Leo: Promise rings, concert tees…(Eyebrows raised) other stuff.
Kelso: That’s nice.
Eric: Yeah. Ok, we’ll take two rings and, a misdemeanor’s worth of the other stuff.
(That 70’s Show theme song plays.)
- ** **
(The basement. Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso are sitting around getting high. The camera swings from person to person.)
Eric: (holding up his newly obtained promise ring.) Ah, the ring of love. Just holding it makes me feel mellow, and content. (A beat, as he stares at the ring.) Actually, that might not be the ring.
Fez: Why is everybody but Fez in love? If I don’t get some romance soon I’m going to give myself a blister. Well…another blister.
Hyde: Tell you what, Fez. I’m gonna take you cruising for chicks in the El Camino. And, I’m gonna let you buy the gas. And, buy my dinner. And, if we meet a chick, I’m gonna let you walk home.
Kelso: Guys, what if Jackie doesn’t want a ring from a guy like me? I mean, sure, I’m good looking, but, I can’t be trusted!
Eric: No. You guys are the perfect couple. You do the bad stuff, and she tries to catch you. She’s…Smokey to your bandit. God, it’s like that movie applies to everything!
Kelso: I just…I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing. That wasn’t actually the ring. You know? Like a, a test gift just to see what she would say, and then if it went bad I could just walk away. Hey, am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time. (Realization of what he’s just said sinks in.) Oh! Oh, man!
- ** **
(Eric’s driveway. Eric and Donna are laying next to each other on the hood of the car.)
Eric: That was fun, huh? It was a good movie. It was one of those love movies like you like, huh? And who took ya? This guy.
Donna: Yeah, it was great.
Eric: You know what else this guy did for you? (He sits up and pulls out the ring box.) Got you a present.
Donna: (Sits up and takes the box.) Aw. (Reading the tag:) To Donna. Love, This Guy.
Eric: Yeah. That’s me.
Donna: (She opens the box.) Oh my god.
Eric: It’s a promise ring.
Donna: Eric, it’s…it’s beautiful.
Eric: I’m so glad you like it. ‘Cause, look. (He reaches over and takes hold of her hand. He sqeezes it, it looks like he’s about to say something very meaningful.) Even though things’ve been a little…weird lately…
Kitty: (Who’s just opened the door. Red is standing beside her.) Oh! Look how cute on the car!
Donna: Here. (She hops off the car.) Look at what Eric got me!
Kitty: Oh, my, Red, go get the camera.
Eric: Mom, I—
Kitty: Go! It’s-- it’s in the drawer near the cheese grater.
(Red heads back inside.)
Eric: Mom! No.
Kitty: Hush! Donna. Now. Make the face you made when Eric gave you the ring. (Donna rolls her eyes.) Oh, now, see, I don’t think you rolled your eyes!
Red: Kitty. I cut myself on the cheese grater.
(Eric and Donna take this moment to run off to safety.)
Kitty: Oh, now you get back here and smile, damn it!
- ** **
(The Hub. Donna and Jackie are eating at a table near the back. Donna is playing with her ring, which she has put on her left index finger. She holds it in front of her, looks at it, then twists it a little and looks at it again.)
Donna: Can you believe it? Isn’t it pretty?
Jackie: Yeah. I really need to introduce you to my good friend nail polish. (Donna rolls her eyes playfully at Jackie.) And, a promise ring is sacred, Donna. Why aren’t you wearing it on your left ring finger?
Donna: I don’t know. ‘Cause I like it on this finger. What’s the difference?
Jackie: Donna. If you don’t wear your promise ring on your left ring finger it totally cancels out the promise that you’ll be together forever.
Donna: Wait, that’s what I promised?
(Fez walks into The Hub and walks up to Jackie and Donna.)
Fez: Hey, ladies. Oh, nice ring, Donna. Jackie, lemme see yours.
Jackie: (confused) I don’t have one.
Fez: Oh, no, of course not. Because Kelso has not given you one yet. (Jackie’s face lights up. Fez realizes he’s saying more than he should be.) I mean, ever, I mean…look away…(He runs out of the Hub.)
Jackie: Donna, did you hear that? Michael’s giving me a promise ring.
Donna: Yeah, that’s great.
Jackie: I wonder how he’s gonna give it to me. I hope he hides it in food. I told him if he ever gives me something nice, he should put it in food. It’s classy.
- ** **
(The El Camino. Hyde is in the driver’s seat, and Fez is sitting in the passanger’s seat.)
Hyde: All right, man, be cool. These chicks are checking us out.
Fez: Cool. Gotcha. (He leans out the window and says, rather loudly:) Hello ladies!
Hyde: (Reaches over and pulls Fez back in the car.) No, man, that’s not how you do it! You gotta be aloof.
Fez: Did you just call me a…loof? Because if so, I’ll have to kick you in your nads.
Hyde: No, man. Aloof. Distant. Zen.
Fez: Well that’s not what loof means in my language.
Hyde: Look, I don’t care what you think it means, that’s what it means here.
(There’s a pause.)
Fez: You’re the loof.
Hyde: Fez, it’s not—
Fez: I said loof!!
- ** **
(The Hub. Jackie is sitting at a table. Kelso brings her a sundae.)
Kelso: Hey, sweetie! I got you something. It’s a gift. A token of my love. Do you accept it?
Jackie: A sundae? (Gasps, obviously thinking this is the place where he’s hidden her ring.) Oh…(She digs into it, shoveling the ice cream into her face. It’s really quite disgusting.) Mmm! Mglsuhgd! (She keeps eating the sundae.)
Kelso: Uh…you could…uh…uh…you could close your mouth if you, if you want…
Jackie: (She stops forcing the stuff in her mouth to hunt around with the spoon. She smooshes and smashes, but she can’t find the ring.) Wghtahegh, gmigal?!? Gisis stupid ice cream??
Kelso: (Leans over to wipe some ice cream off of her mouth.) No, it’s stupid ice cream of love.
- ** **
(The Forman’s drive way. Hyde is shooting baskets, but Kelso has his arm up the hoop and blocks every shot. Fez and Jackie are standing by watching. Eric is waiting for Donna. She walks up.)
Eric: Oh, there you are. The movie’s about to start. Come on. (He takes her arm and looks down at it.) Where…where’s your ring?
Donna: Oh! I put it on a chain so I could wear it around my neck. (She walks around to the car. Eric stands somewhat uneasy about this.)
Kelso: BURN!! Oh, super burn, the wedding’s off!
Eric and Donna: Kelso, shut up.
Jackie: Yeah, Michael, you don’t know anything about anything!
Kelso: (Slowly and deliberatly, emphasizing each word:) I…do…too!
Hyde: (To Fez:) Now I don’t know which fight’s the funniest!
Eric: Wait, fight? We’re…ok, I’ll be right back. (He walks to where Donna is standing. Everybody follows, right behind him. To Donna:) Donna, why aren’t you wearing the ring on your hand?
Donna: I don’t know, I didn’t really think it was a big deal.
Jackie: That is not true. I told you! I told her it was a big deal.
Donna: Look, Eric, why don’t we talk about this later?
Eric: Well, I, you know, there’s not really anything to talk about. Unless…you don’t wanna wear thie ring.
Kelso: Ouch! (Everybody turns to look at him.) Sorry, I’m sorry. (He gestures at Eric and Donna to continue.)
Donna: (She looks trapped for a moment, then she laughs and takes the necklace off and puts it on her finger.) It’s great. The ring is great. See? It’s great!
Eric: So…we’re good?
Donna: Yeah! Fine.
Eric: Ok! Good!
(They are about to get in the car when Kitty runs out with the camera. Eric has a huge smile on his face, while Donna seems less than thrilled as Kitty snaps a picture.)
Kitty: It’s my god given right as a mother!
(She runs back in the house.)
- ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Fez, Jackie, Kitty, Red, Bob, Midge, and Hyde are all clustered around the picture Kitty took.)
Fez: Oh, Mrs. Forman, that is a wonderful picture. You can really see how unhappy Donna is.
Jackie: Ok. All I know is, when Donna said she was fine, she didn’t seem that fine.
Kitty: Eric has never been good at knowing when fine isn’t fine. It runs in the family.
Red: No, it does not!
Kitty: (Angrily.) Fine.
Red: Ok! Good!
Bob: I dunno. She doesn’t look that unhappy. (Turning to Midge) She kinda looks like you!
Midge: I’m unhappy, Bob.
(There are a few moments of uncomfortable silence, then we here a can opening. The herd of people part, and we see Hyde in front of the refridgerator holding a beer. He says nothing. Everybody stares at him. He stared back. After a longish pause:)
Hyde: I’m just so worried about Eric and Donna! (he laughs) Aw, fine! (He hands the beer to Red.)
- ** **
(Donna is sleeping. The scene morphs to her dream, where she is dressed as a carrot on the show “Let’s Make A Deal”.)
Announcer: Welcome to, “Let’s Make a Deal”!
Host: All right, Donna, which is it gonna be? Your future behind door number one, door number two, or door number three?
Donna: (Jumping up and down) Oh my god, I don’t know! Ok.
Donna: Door number three.
Host: Door number three. All right, let’s take a look at what you didn’t choose behind door number one. (The doors open to reveal the prize.) It’s a leather jacket and a typewriter which you could have used when you became a globe trotting journalist!
Donna: Wow, that would’ve been nice.
Host: Yeah, too bad. All right, let’s take a look at what was behind door number two. (These doors also open to reveal the prize.) The U.S. Constitution which would have come in handy when you became the first woman president!
Donna: Oh, Monty, these prizes are bitchen’!
Host: Yeah, truly bitchen’! Now, let’s take a look at what you did choose behind door number three! (The doors open to reveal Eric, who’s wearing a shirt with a big zero on it and sitting on a donkey. He’s waving happily at Donna.) It’s your boyfriend and a promise ring!
Eric: I love you! (He blows her a kiss.)
(Donna wakes up, unappy, and looks at her ring.)
- ** **
(The Hub. Hyde is playing pinball and Fez is watching.)
Fez: Hyde, when I cruise a girl, how long do I have to talk to her before she will french me?
Hyde: That depends on what kind of girl you’re cruising for. Which is why I’m gonna aim low. Real low. Just this side of gross.
(Jackie walks in The Hub and approaches Hyde and Fez.)
Jackie: Where is Michael Kelso? I want my ring.
Fez: He’s in the toilet. (Jackie heads towards the bathrooms.) Jackie, wait, wait. Kelso wants to give you the ring. But he’s scared.
Jackie: Why is he scared?
Hyde: Because you’re scary.
Fez: No, because, Kelso is delicate. Sensitive.
Hyde: Girlish, even.
Fez: You cannot push him into this. You’ve gotta be gentle. He’ll do it when he’s ready.
(Kelso walks out of the bathroom, and Jackie goes up to him.)
Jackie: Where’s my ring, you idiot?
Hyde: Or yell at him, it’s more fun for us.
Jackie: Look, you. I want my promise ring, and I want it now. Give it.
Kelso: Really? Ok, just…wait, cause I just, I wanna do this right. (He gets down on one knee and takes out the ring.) Jackie? From the first minute that I saw you, I knew that I wanted to fool around with you. (Jackie turns around and shoots Hyde and Fez a look, who shrug. She turns back to Kelso.) And then, after we did that, and I still wanted to talk to you, I knew that I never wanted to be without you. So…will you accept my ring?
Jackie: Yeah. Yeah, Michael, I will.
(Kelso stands up and they hug. Hyde and Fez just stare.)
Hyde: Oh, god.
Fez: I know.
- ** **
(The basement. Eric is sitting and reading a magazine. Hyde and Fez walk into the room.)
Hyde: Hey, what’s up?
Eric: So, how was cruising?
Fez: Unsettling. When a girl is in a car, you can only see her from the neck up. Talk about the tip of the iceberg.
Hyde: So, where’s Donna?
Eric: Oh, she said she had to study.
Hyde: Huh. So everything’s cool?
Eric: (a beat. Eric puts down his magazine.) Ok. Look. I don’t know what everyone thinks is going on, but Donna and I are not only fine, we’re great. Everything’s finally settled, so…we’re happier than ever.
Hyde: Well, one of you is.
Eric: What is that supposed to mean?
Hyde: Look, Forman. I get what you’re trying to do. You know, you’re trying to…lock her up. Seal the deal. And, all I’m saying is…(He clears his throat) maybe Donna’s not that kinda girl.
Eric: (Eric pauses and thinks. Then he rises.) Ok, you don’t know as much as you think, Hyde. So you need to just shut up. (He goes upstairs.)
Fez: Now, that man is a loof.
- ** **
(The Forman’s driveway. Donna is sitting on the car. Eric comes outside, still momentarily upset by his conversation with Hyde, but when he sees Donna, his expression changes into a look that says, “what was I worried about”, then he smiles.)
Eric: Hey, what are you doing out here?
Donna: Um…I wanted to talk to you. (Eric sits on the car next to her.) Oh, this is gonna be hard. Um…Eric, I love you. A lot. But, I have to give you your ring back.
Eric: What? Why?
Donna: Ok. How do you see the next twenty years?
Eric: I don’t know, I guess…I always figured we’d go to college together…and come home…
Donna: Yeah, but Eric, you know that’s not what I want. I mean, I’ve told you that. And, who knows! I may wanna go to school…back east, or maybe in Paris.
Eric: (Wanting everything to just be okay:) Ok, well, you know what, Donna? Whatever! Ok? The important thing is that when you see yourself in Paris, or…wherever, I’m there. Right? (Donna doesn’t respond.) Right?
Donna: I don’t know…not always…I mean, it’s not like there’s anyone else, but, sometimes I’m…by myself. I mean, all I mean is, I don’t know! Neither of us does! And this ring is just a stupid high school promise. If we’re meant to be together, then…we’ll end up together!
Eric: No! The way we end up together is by saying we’ll be together and then…being together!
Donna: Eric, come on! We’re together now! Isn’t that enough?
Eric: No! I mean….I mean, damn, Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn’t, like, break your heart, then, I, we’re not doing what I thought we were doing here. And you know what? Maybe we shouldn’t be together at all.
Donna: Wait a minute. (Long pause) Are you breaking up with me?
Eric: Well…are you giving back that ring?
Donna: (Through tears) Yes.
(Donna takes off the ring and places it on the car. Then she runs away. Eric climbs on the car and leans back. He bangs on it with his fist and fights back tears.)
- ** **
(The alleyway. Eric is talking to Leo.)
Eric: Leo, I, I need to return this. (Holds out the ring.)
Leo: Hey, man, I only said it was gold. Not real gold.
Eric: No, it’s…Donna and I broke up.
Leo: What? What happened to the love, man?
Eric: Well, I don’t really feel like—
Leo: (Grabbing Eric) No! If you kids can’t make it, who can? Tell me! Who? Why god, why?!?