POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN Eric, Hyde and Fez are checking out a map.
Eric: Alright, guys. This is no sweat. If we leave right after school, we should make it to Jackie’s ski cabin by like six o’clock.
He folds the map.
Hyde: Man, I can’t wait. A trip to my favorite place. Anywhere but here.
Eric: And I’m betting that Alpine Valley is gonna give the Kid many make out opportunities with Donna this weekend. The Kid is in.
Hyde: What’s with the whole ‘Kid’ thing?
Eric: It’s cool… It’s not cool?
Fez: Not cool, dorky.
Kelso comes in extremely happy.
Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the gym?
Kelso: No, me!
Eric:Kelso, a lot of people hang out behind the gym.
Kelso: Yeah, that’s what’s so great about it. Everybody saw it!
Hyde: Oh, that’s great man! Yeah, because then everybody can tell Jackie you moron!
Eric: Yeah, and then she’s gonna dump you and we won’t be able to go up to her ski cabin!
Kelso: She’s never gonna find out.
Jackie comes in.
Jackie: You are a dog Michael, a dirty dirty dog!
Kelso: What did I do?
Fez: You kissed Pam Macy!
Kelso shrieks in humiliation.
Jackie: I trusted you Michael, and now all my friends are laughing at me. I can’t even show my face in the third floor bathroom anymore! And that’s the cool bathroom!
Kelso: But, I…
Jackie: No Michael. We’re through.
Kelso: Okay, if that’s the way you want it, we’re through. And Monday, when we get back from that ski trip, it’s over!
Jackie:No Michael, no, no, no, no, no. You won’t be skiing this weekend.
Kelso: Oh, that’s just great Jackie. Cancel the ski trip and disappoint all our friends!
Jackie: Oh no no no. We are still going.
She slaps lightly Eric’s and Fez’s thigh
Kelso: Well, they’re surely not going without me. Right guys?
Jackie: Oh, and did I mention my parents are not coming? So it’ll be just us…
Eric Turns to Kelso with open arms.
Eric: So we’ll see you Monday!
Red: So, Eric’s going away for the weekend.
Kitty: Uh huh.
Red: All the house to ourselves.
Kitty: Uh huh.
Red: You know what that means?
Kitty: Dinner in front of the T.V. .
Kitty: You dog!
Eric comes in.
Red: Now, Eric, you’re gonna be driving in snow, so I’ll put together an emergency roadside kit for you. In case you went into trouble.
Eric: Okay, that’d be great.
Red: Preparation makes all the difference Eric. Take kitty litter. I can’t tell you how many times kitty litter got me out of a tight spot…
Eric starts day dreaming: Donna and him are at the cabin. A fire is burning in the fireplace. They’re making out, a blanket covering their naked bodies.
The kiss ends and Eric takes a sip of his champagne.
Donna: Oh god Eric. She takes her hand out from under the blanket. She is holding a road flare.
Donna: Oh, it’s a road flare.
Eric: A road flare can save your life.
BACK TO REALITY: Red: I said a road flare can save your life!
Eric: What...oh Check. Right, road flare! Right.
Kitty: Okay now good. How was school today? Eric: Oh, okay. You know my P E teacher Coach Wilson? Well, he had this crusty stuff on the corner of his lip. So Kelso says to him, Kelso says: ‘Hey Coach, check out that crusty stuff…
RED starts day dreaming: He and Kitty are on the couch kissing. She pulls away and we see Red with a full head of hair.
BACK TO REALITY:
Eric: Dad, dad, dad are you even listening? Red: Of course I’m listening. And you know what I’m hearing? You need to buckle down. I’ve told you over and over again that school is so important. What you do now determines…
Kitty starts day dreaming too: Kitty is on her back, stretched out. Kitty: Oh Red, that is so good! Oh, uh, right there, uh, oh, that hasn’t been touched in years! Camera pulls back to reveal that Red is dusting a high lamp.
BACK TO REALITY: Eric and Red are staring at Kitty. She shakes her head hard and gets back to doing what she was.
Hyde is holding a rolled up sleeping bag. He goes to Donna. Hyde: Hey Donna man, I brought my double sleeping bag, you know? Donna: Great! Can Eric and I borrow it? Donna moves away. Fez: Oh Hyde, watching you fail over and over… it is like Charlie Brown and the football! Hyde: Yeah man, I just don’t get it. Fez: No, because Eric already has it! Fez laughs, but Hyde is not amused. Fez stops laughing.
Eric comes in the kitchen carrying a sleeping bag and finds KELSO waiting for him.
Eric: Oh. Hey Kelso, um, look, I just wanna make sure we’re cool ‘cause this weekend is like really important for me and Donna…so thanks for understanding
. Kelso: Yeah, I understand. I understand that we’re not friends anymore.
Eric: Okay, look man, you brought this on yourself.
Kelso: I know I did, but that’s no reason for me to suffer!
Eric: No that is a great reason for you to suffer! What…? I’m going! Eric goes out to the driveway.
Kelso: Fine, go! See if I care! Oh, come on man! We’re… Kelso runs after him and finds everybody already there. HE stops in his tracks.
Red hands Eric a box filled with stuff.
Red: Well, here’s your emergency roadside kit.
Eric: Kitty litter? Oh, kitty litter, right!
Kitty: Um honey, I put some sandwiches in your duffel bag. Now, um, why do you need such a big bag of oregano?
Eric: Donna’s Italian?…
Kitty starts laughing and Eric follows. He stops and goes to the driver seat.
Kitty: Okay, stay warm!
Eric starts the car.
Kelso: Okay, I see what’s going on! You’re not really going skiing! This is all just a gag! You’re just trying to get me all worked up so you can go: ‘Oh just kidding buddy!’ Yeah, you got me. That’s a nice burn!
Eric: It sure is… bye-bye.
Eric gets in the car and starts getting out of the driveway. Red and Kitty wave.
Kelso: Oh, he’s not going! He’ll be back! Yup, any second now… he’s probably just going around the block. I gotta hand it to him. He got me there! That’s a major burn! Yup… There he is!
Red and Kitty go in and leave Kelso alone…
Kelso: I knew it! Uh, no, that’s not him.
He continues looking down the street, in hope that Eric will get back.
Fez: I have never seen snow before! It is so beautiful!
Jackie: Do you know what the best part of this whole trip is? That Michael is not here! He’d just be sitting here, telling me how cute I look in my fur-trimmed coat. I know I look cute, I don’t need him here for that.
Hyde: Forman man, what’s all this crap that Red gave you?
Eric: I don’t know, he’s obsessed with kitty litter. I think he might be going insane.
The car skids and everyone in the car screams. The car stops. A beat.
Hyde: Far out!
Donna: What the hell was that?
Eric: I don’t know, I guess we hit some ice.
Eric steps on the gas, but the car won’t move. The wheels are stuck in the snow.
Eric: Oh great! We’re stuck.
Everybody except Jackie gets out of the car. Fez comes around holding a snow ball.
Fez: Look, I made my first snow ball! I love snow so much my fingers are numb with joy!
Donna: That’s frostbite Fez.
Fez: How rude
He throws down the snow ball.
Fez: I hate your white men’s winter!
Donna: Get in the car Fez, get in the car.
Fez gets in the car.
Jackie: Eric, do something!
Hyde: Yeah man, stop goofing around!
Donna gets back in the car and Hyde gives Eric the roadside kit.
Hyde: Wow, it’s freezing!
Hyde gets back in the car, leaving ERIC in the snow.
VISTA CRUISER, LATER
Jackie: This is awful! We’re all going to die! And I love Michael!
Hyde, Donna and Fez: Shut up!
Eric: Okay, think Eric, think! Why kitty litter?
Red’s face comes up in the sky
Red: Use the gum Eric.
Eric: Dad, what are you doing here?
Red: I’m not here, you’re imagining me. Now’s who’s insane mister smart mouth?
Eric: I guess I am.
Red: Use the gum to stick the candle in the can. The candle heats the can which melts the snow behind the tire. Then pour on the kitty litter for traction. Now you think you can handle that?
Eric: Yes sir.
Red: Good, because you don’t want me back out here. I may be a figment of your imagination, but I’m still freezing my ass off.
Kelso is sitting alone. Kitty comes down the stairs.
Kitty: Michael, what are you doing down here?
Kelso: You know what? I think Eric actually went. What a jerk!
Kitty: Well, why don’t you just go to Jackie’s cabin and talk to him?
Kelso:I can’t. I don’t have a car, and besides, Jackie hates me forever because I kissed Pam Macy.
Kitty: You know, when Mr. Forman and I were dating., I saw him kissing a girl in a movie theatre once and I forgave him.
Kelso: You forgave him for kissing another girl?
Kitty: Yes sir. I mean it wasn’t, it wasn’t so much kissing as it was a groping, sloppy, pawing, nibbling nightmare.
Kelso: But, but you forgave him!
Kitty: Yeah, I forgave the bastard!
He gets up and leaves.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red is lighting candles.
Red: Okay! Candles: check.. Chianti: check. Fancy nut mix: check.
Kitty comes in through the kitchen door.
Red: And how’s my pretty lady!
Kitty continues to the stairs.
Kitty: Oh, you are so full of crap!
The truck stops and Kelso gets in. The trucker looks at him in interest.
Gus (the trucker): Well, hello there!
Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?
Gus: Oh, I’m going… wherever you’re going!
Kelso: Wow, that’s lucky!
Gus starts the truck and it starts moving.
Gus: So, did it hurt?
Gus: When you fell down from heaven!
Kelso: No, I’m fine!
The gang finally arrives.
Donna: Alright! We made it!
Eric: Yeah, just in time, that storm is getting nasty.
Fez: I am so cold! The snow has stolen my manhood!
Jackie is talking to Donna and Eric.
Jackie: Okay, there’s only one bedroom. It was gonna be for Michael and I but since our love is… dead, you two should take it.
Eric: Alright! You wanna go check out our room?
Hyde: Where are you guys going? I thought we were gonnna hang…
They close the door. Fez collapses and Jackie sits down on the couch..
Fez: I am freezing! The winter in my country is seventy degrees! We must hold each other for warmth!
He grabs her leg.
Jackie: Stop touching me!
He lets her leg go and sits alone on the carpet.
Fez: Then I am going to die!
Hyde: Okay Fez… oh! Amaretto!
Hyde takes a bottle from the liquor cabinet
Hyde: You know what man? This will warm you right up. Take a sip of that!
He gives him the bottle. Fez tastes it.
Fez: Yum, liquid candy!
Fez starts drinking it straight from the bottle. Hyde looks at him in wonder.
Kitty comes in the kitchen with Red on her heels.
Red: Kitty, you’re talking about something hat happened over twenty years ago.
Kitty: And there you were at the movies in front of God and everybody slurping on horse-face Lynn Taylor like she was a Popsicle.
Kitty: A big, easy, horse-face Popsicle!
Red: Horse-face? She was a runner-up in the Miss Wisconsin pageant! Which she lost because she was such a horse-face!
Kitty goes away
Kelso is eating a burger and is wearing a “Truckers make good lovers” hat.
Kelso: Thanks for the burger. Oh, and the hat!
Gus: Well I just like to see that smile. See you coming down about your friend Eric.
Kelso: Well, it’s just… You know, he’s always been there for me. Like, when people used to call me dumb, he’d say: ‘Hey, he’s not as dumb as you think!’ People don’t like to talk about it, but guy to guy relationships are pretty special, you know?
Gus: They can be the most beautiful thing in the world!
Kelso: I don’t know why I do this stuff! It’s just like… I get these urges, you know, and I can’t control them!
Gus: Shoot! I wrote that country song!
He puts a tape in the tape player.
Song and Gus: I’ve been cheated, been mistreated! When will I be loved?
THE BEDROOM IN THE CABIN
Eric and Donna are making out on the bed. Outside, we can hear a some music and Jackie’s crying. They break the kiss.
Eric: Okay, that’s probably just Jackie crying!
They get back to kissing. The crying keeps on coming. Donna breaks the kiss.
Donna: Alright, alright, that’s too much! Can you please go out there and break that record?
Eric gets up and goes out.
THE LIVING ROOM IN THE CABIN
Hyde is on an armchair reading comics. Jackie is on the sofa crying.
Eric: What’s going on?
Hyde: Ha-ha, “Spy versus Spy” man, they kill me!
Eric: No, with her!
Hyde: She seems upset or something.
Eric: Okay look, where’s Fez?
Eric stops the record. Donna gets out and sits near Jackie.
Hyde: Fez? Oh, well, he killed that entire bottle of Amaretto, and then he ran outside saying he had to make a snow angel. But he was in his underwear.
Eric: Okay look, either you need to go get Fez or console Jackie.
Hyde: Er, I’ll take Donna.
Hyde: Jackie. Yeah, Jackie.
Eric goes. Hyde throws his magazine on a cushion and takes a final swig from his beer can. Then, he goes and sits between Donna and Jackie. Jackie hugs him.
Hyde: Okay, oh, oh, okay, yeah okay, now I can see you’re upset, ah ha, ah ha. Now listen alright, if it’s any consolation, Pam Macy would give it up to anybody.
Jackie starts sobbing again and leaves the room. Hyde turns to Donna and puts his arm behind her shoulders.
Hyde: Oh, what do you know, we’re all alone.
Donna gets up.
Donna: God Hyde, you can be such a jerk, you know that?
Hyde: Come on, I’m just goofing around!
Donna: No you’re not! Look, I’m up here with Eric, alright Eric, get it? Not you!
Hyde: I know, okay I know. Look, do you think I like hitting on my best friend’s girlfriend? I don’t. But I look at you… I mean look at you! I can’t help it.
Donna: Well you better.
Hyde looks at her and then kisses her. She shoves him off and slaps him. Then, she joins Jackie in the bedroom.
Kelso: It’s so clear to me now! I can’t just go around using people as my sexual play things. You know what I mean Gus? I guess people feelings are way more important than those sexual urges!
Gus: You’re good people son.
Kelso: You too, man!
Gus stops the truck
Gus: Well, this is where you get off! And one more thing. Next time, take a bus. You’re too pretty to hitch!
Kelso: Oh oh, Thanks man!
Kelso gets off and Gus starts leaving. HE blows his horn twice.
Kelso: Bye Gus!
Eric (o.s): Hey Fez! Fez!
Eric comes into view.
Kelso: Hey man!
Eric: Kelso you’re here!
Kelso: Yeah, I got a ride with the nicest guy! Listen, I’ve had a lot of time to think on the way up here, and well I’m sorry!”
Eric: Yeah, yeah I’m sorry. I should never come up here without you man!
Fez comes to them in his underwear.
Fez: I am a winter nymph! I love this snow! Hurray America!
He stands between Eric and Kelso and falls down on his face.
Jackie has her back to the door and she’s still crying. Donna is sitting on the couch. The door opens and Eric and Kelso come in carrying Fez. Jackie turns around.
Jackie: Oh Michael!
Kelso throws Fez on the couch. He and Jackie hug.
Jackie: You walked all the way here in the driving snowstorm just to be with me didn’t you Michael? And you would never, ever, do that for Pam Macy, would you?”
She grabs him by his shirt.
Kelso: Ah, you know it!
He carries her up and they go to the bedroom. Hyde closes the door behind them. Fez is unconscious on the couch near Donna. She looks uncomfortable because of Fez’s position.
Donna: Can one of you guys put his pants on?
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Kitty is sitting on a couch eating straight out of an ice cream carton.
Red: Kitty, this can’t just be about me and Lynn Taylor.
He sits down and she scoots over to be far from him.
Red: What’s really bothering you?
Kitty: Okay, I just wanna know why not me.
Red: Why not you what? I married you!
Kitty: Yeah, but when we were dating, you just sat there, you held my hand politely. Didn’t you think that I might enjoy a passionate man handling in a public place?
Red: Well I respected you! I’m an old fashion guy. I don’t think that you should grope and maul the one you love. Until you get to Florida, at the Fountainbleu with the door locked and a carton of cigarettes.
Kitty: Oh Red, our honeymoon!
Red: Let’s go upstairs.
Kitty: No, let’s go to the movies!
THE VISTA CRUISER
Eric and Donna are sitting in the car.
Eric: Well uh, here we are!
Eric: So I still can’t believe that Kelso cheated on Jackie with Pam Macy. I mean is just a seriously uncool move.
Eric: I mean to risk everything for…
Donna: Eric, I will never do that to you. You can trust me.
Donna: Absolutely. I would never kiss Pam Macy behind the gym.
Eric: You know, never say never Donna.