FORMAN KITCHEN Red and Eric are sitting at the table; Kitty is preparing something
KITTY: So, uhm, Laurie is almost all packed.
RED: I can’t believe my little girl is moving out. Which reminds me, (to Eric) when are you leaving?
ERIC: NEVER! 'Cause I LOVE it here!
RED: Right. Kitty, do you really think this is a good idea? I mean it might be a little soon for her to be on her own.
KITTY: Red, she’s gonna be fine, she’s gonna split rent with a girlfriend.
RED: She doesn’t even have a job!
KITTY: Well, she is gonna get a job!
ERIC: Oh, that reminds me, can I have her room?
RED: No, I already gave it to Steven.
ERIC: But I’m your son! Daddy?
Laurie is standing at her dressing table, Hyde walkes in
HYDE: Man , would you look at this place? It’s kinda girlie.
LAURIE: It’s a girls room, Hyde.
HYDE: Oh, so all those guys, they were just passing through? Well, that’s over. Welcome to Hydeville baby!
LAURIE: You know, if I cared about this dump at all, that would totally creep me out.
HYDE: Come on Laurie, you’re gonna miss your room. It’s not like you have no feelings. Ever. About anything.
KELSO: YES! I’m so psyched!
LAURIE: Owww, did you finally figure out how a thermos works?
KELSO: Noooo, I’m psyched about your new place you know. Cause whenever we fool around here I’m always afraid that Jackie’s gonna catch us. And I don’t wanna hurt her, 'cause I love her. So this is great; it solves everything.
LAURIE: Kelso, you are not allowed anywhere near my new place. EVER!
HYDE: You know what, you freaks, you got about two minutes to deal with this little drama here, then get the hell out of my room! (leaves)
KELSO: Wow, I see what’s going on here, you’re breaking up with me.
LAURIE: No. For me to break up with you, there would have to be something between us to break.
KELSO: OHHH! I cannot believe that you’re being SUCH a...
LAURIE: Bitch? Duhhh! Look Kelso, it was fun, and sweaty and all, but you’re just a guy I fooled around with when there was nothing good on TV. Sorry. (she leaves)
KELSO: Well, maybe there won’t be anything good on TV at your new place! Oh DAMN there is always something good on TV! (leaves)
Jackie is watching TV, Laurie, Kelso and Hyde come down the stairs
HYDE: Hey Kelso, look who’s here! It’s Jackie! Hi Jackie!
JACKIE: God Laurie, I can’t believe you’re moving! I know we didn’t spend much time together, but I think some of my good taste was rubbing off on you. And I’m so happy for that!
LAURIE: Thanks Jackie! (they hug) I’m gonna miss you too! Oh Kelso, I almost forgot, I found a t-shirt of you when I was cleaning out my room (she hands him the shirt and leaves)
HYDE: Say..how did that get there?
KELSO: That’s funny, this isn’t even mine! Yeah I know, this must be Eric’s shirt.
JACKIE (grabs the shirt): Your mom sewed your name in it Michael!
KELSO: MAN, Eric’s gonna be pissed huh! Jackie see, I borrowed Eric’s shirt cause mine wasn’t working right. And uh then my mom must have sewed my name in it.
JACKIE: Hm, I don’t know Michael.
KELSO: What, do you think I’m lying? Jackie, if I were lying, I’d come up with a lot better lie then that.
HYDE: Yeah, you’d think so!
Eric and Donna on the couch
DONNA: So Laurie is definitely moving out? And it’s definitely over with her and Kelso?
ERIC: Well, she is moving all the way across town, I mean, she is slutty but.. I mean she hates to commute.
DONNA: Good. Good, because Kelso is a rat-bastard and I’m not covering for him.
ERIC: Donna relax, it’s over. So now you can get back to pleasing your man.
JACKIE (comes in): Eric please leave. I have to talk to Donna alone.
ERIC: Well okay, ‘cause I mean, it’s not like this is my home or any...
JACKIE: ERIC! (he leaves)
DONNA: Jackie, you have something you wanna ask me?
JACKIE: See, I’m kinda worried about Michael and Laurie. I mean, she found his t-shirt in her room, and he said it wasn’t his even though it had his name in it. And at that time I believed him. But now I can’t remember why. But if there is something going on, I think I wanna know. But I don’t wanna know. That even if I wanna know, you know?
DONNA: I’m supposed to say...?
JACKIE: Donna, you’re supposed to say that there is nothing going on, that Michael loves me and we’re together and that’s all that matters.
DONNA: That sounds good.
JACKIE: GOD you’re so NAIVE!
DONNA: Isn’t there like someone else you could talk to about this?
JACKIE: Yeah well, I used to have this penpal in Nicaragua, but she just stopped writing after that hurricane-thingy
Hyde is sitting at her dressing table, Fez is walking around
FEZ: Your new room is very pretty. Like a flower, or a girl. You know, people might see this room and think you are a gay.
HYDE: I don’t think so Fez.
FEZ: Oh Hyde, you would be surprised how easily people can make that mistake.
Kelso walkes in
KELSO: Hey Hyde, thanks for your help with Jackie man.
HYDE: Sure thing man.
KELSO: Okay Hyde, do you know what sarcasm is?
KELSO: Hyde man, you almost got me caught!
HYDE: I almost got you caught? “My mom sewed my name in Eric’s shirt” ? You’re so lame man.
KELSO: You know, half the time you act like you want me to get caught.
HYDE: Kelso, you’re my friend, I don’t want you to get caught, cause if you get caught then my fun is over. So I’m just trying to prolong your suffering.
KELSO: Well okay, that’s a little better.
HYDE: Allright, friends for life baby! (they shake hands)
Red is in the kitchen, Kitty enters with some laundry
KITTY: Well Stephen is getting all settled in.
RED: He better not change anything, I don’t want him messing with my little girl’s room. You know how he is, messy, dirty, foul. What if she has to move back home?
KITTY: Oh Red, she is gonna be fine.
RED: I know Kitty, you think that she is all grown up, but there is still a lot that she doesn’t know. I mean what if her place doesn’t have a deadbolt? Or smoke-detector?
KITTY: Red, you don’t have to baby her, she’s twenty!
RED: You’re never too old to burn to death in a fire!
THE HALL OF LAURIES BUILDING
Eric is carrying a smoke-detector, Red has a box with breakfast
RED: Well would you look at this, she found a place in a nice neighbourhood.
ERIC: Ain’t she something...
Red knocks on Laurie’s door
RED: Well I hope she hasn’t had breakfast yet. Or a fire.
MAN (opens door): Can I help you?
RED: Duhhh..no we got the wrong appartment I guess. Sorry.
MAN: Not a problem.
ERIC: No wait, is Laurie there?
MAN: Oh yeah, hold on a second...Honey?
Laurie comes to the door with a toothbrush in her mouth, she sees Red and the toothbrush drops to the floor.
LAURIE: Hi Daddy!
Red walks off without saying anything. Eric starts to laugh and follows him
Red burst into the door, Kitty sits at the table
RED: ...go to hell!!
KITTY: Honey, what’s wrong?
RED: What's wrong? Everyhting is wrong! Damn kids today, they wouldn’t know responsibility if it walked up and bit ‘m in the ass! Get a job, phah, it’s just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between! Sydney! (he leaves)
KITTY: Laurie is living with a boy?
KITTY: Just one boy right?
ERIC: Yeah I think so.
KITTY: Now see, it could have been worse.
ERIC: Laurie’s busted! This is, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating here, the greatest day in the history of time.
FEZ: Except maybe the day cheese was invented. I love the cheese!
HYDE: Wow man, she’s gone one day, and she’s already got a new guy. Kelso you heartbreaker you...
KELSO: I’m having a horrible day. Laurie’s gone and Jackie is all suspicious of me, and I’m getting no lovin’. None! I can’t be me without lovin’.
HYDE: Kelso, if you wanna keep Jackie man, and trust me, you don’t, , let’s practice. So, did you fool around with Laurie?
KELSO: You know I did!
HYDE: Dumbass NO MAN! Complete denial! Watergate! Learn! Did you fool around with Laurie?
KELSO: Yeah. I mean NO, I mean..yeah, SEE this isn’t gonna work!
ERIC: It’s just so perfect if I could go back in time, I’d just relive that moment over and over again (he mimicks her expression) Hi daddy! (he mimicks her expression) Hi Daddy! (he mimicks her expression) Hi Daddy!
FEZ: Just tell Jackie the truth. Then, if she leaves you for another man, whoever he might be, no hard feelings. You do not need Jackie. Sweet, luscious Jackie...
HYDE: You are an evil little foreign man. Don’t ever change. Look Kelso allright, I’ll help you out with Jackie man, I’ll talk you through the whole thing step by step.
KELSO: Thanks man. Yeah I guess it was wrong what I did with Laurie, but I was just amusing myself you know. And that’s the key to life right? Never stop amusing yourself.
FEZ: Unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off.
Eric is sitting at the table eating a sandwich, Red is comes in
RED: Eric, I’m asking you, have I been a bad father? Maybe I’ve been to hard on her. I mean for God’s sakes, I think I’m a fair man. Hey? Eric I’m talking to you!
ERIC: Does this need more mayonaise? (he sniggers)
RED: Get outta here!
ERIC: Thank you! (runs off)
RED: Boy Kitty we’ve got a pair to beat a full house, that’s for sure.
KITTY: Well Red, relax. You’re overreacting.
RED: I’M overreacting?! Well I’ll tell you what Kitty, people are gonna talk. Her living with that guy.
KITTY: Red, it doesn’t matter if people talk, Laurie is still a part of this family, which is why I invited her to dinner tonight.
RED: Oh no no no, Kitty, I’m not ready for that.
KITTY: Oh that’s sweet. The way you say that like you have a choice.
RED: Look Kitty...
KITTY: She’s coming! (she leaves)
FORMAN DINING ROOM
Red, Eric, Laurie, Kitty and Hyde are having dinner
KITTY: Well I’m glad we’re all eating dinner together as a family.
ERIC: Yeah it’s nice. Especially since Laurie could make it from all the way across town. Where she lives. With some guy. In sin.
LAURIE: Will you ever hit puberty?
ERIC: Oh ow, but you know, what’s really sad, is that you’ve got no respect for yourself. For this family.
RED: Well he’s not wrong!
LAURIE: But Daddy!
RED: Well Kitty, who’s gonna buy the cow, when they get the milk for free?
ERIC: You know Dad, it’s not like she’s hooking. Or some other less... She’s just living with a guy and it is the seventies now right.
RED: What are you babling about?
ERIC: Well, maybe, maybe I just think you’re being a little hard on her.
RED: Well that’s nice Eric. But right now I’m too angry to pretend to give a crap about what you think! (he leaves)
HYDE: These are great potatoes Mrs. Forman!
LAURIE: Thanks Eric.
ERIC: Yeah sure.
KITTY: Okay why don’t you boys take your plates in and watch some McMillan and wife.
ERIC: You know just once today I’d like to finish a meal without being chased out of the room (Eric and Hyde take their plates and leave)
KITTY: Well Laurie, you better stop your lying and face up to this one. Just look at what you’re doing to your father.
LAURIE: Mom, I’m an adult okay?
KITTY: No no no, an adult would have told the truth, and not lied about moving with a girlfriend which I knew wasn’t true.
LAURIE: WELL MOM, if you already knew then why didn’t you tell Dad?! Then we wouldn’t be in this mess!
KITTY: Oh my God, Rosemary had a better baby then me... (she leaves)
Jackie and Kelso sitting on the couch
JACKIE: Okay, you’ve been acting kinda weird ever since Laurie gave you that t-shirt Michael.
Hyde’s head appears next to Kelso’s: First off, act innocent!
KELSO: I don’t know what you’re talking about Jackie.
Hyde’s head: Of course, she’ll explain herself.
JACKIE: It’s like you’re hiding something.
Hyde’s head: But you just stick to your original story
KELSO: I’m sticking to my original story!
Hyde’s head: Now, she’ll be sceptical
Hyde’s head: So go on the offensive!
KELSO: You know Jackie, you’re just being paranoid! And that hurts...because you don’t trust me and other stuff...
Hyde’s head: And then, she’ll be so embarrased, she’ll cave and apologize to you
JACKIE: FINE! I believe you Michael, but know this: if you’re NOT telling the truth I will find out, cause I’m smart, and you...aren’t!
Hyde’s head: And all you have to do is forgive her
KELSO (confused): O..kay...Jackie... I forgive you.
Red is standing near Laurie’s bed, Kitty comes in
KITTY: Red, I think you’re being a little hard in Laurie.
RED: I don’t care what anyone thinks. What she is doing is wrong. Now that I think back on it, I don’t know if I even knew that girl. Living with a guy. (he spots a poster on the wall) Is that a foreign car?! Oh jeez!
KITTY: Red, you have gone your whole life thinking she is just a little girl, but she is an adult now. And she is not a perfect one. Boy, is she not a perfect one! But you know what, you have to love your children even when they do things you don’t like or better yet, hate.
RED: You think you do a good job. You think that you teach your children the difference between right and wrong and this is what you get! Well, to hell with it!
KITTY: Okay. I guess we don’t love her anymore, let’s take all pictures of Laurie out of here and pretend she’s not ours and if we see her on the street let’s ignore het. No, let’s throw things at her.
RED: Well now you’re just being stupid.
KITTY: And you...’re not being a good father.
RED: Well........okay. Maybe I have been uh kinda of uh...
KITTY: A dumbass.
RED: I was gonna say unreasonable...
KITTY: Fine, fine, you were an unreasonable dumbass.
RED: Are you done now?
KITTY: I think I am (she kisses him and leaves)
Laurie and Eric sitting on the couch
ERIC: The Brady’s are such a nice family. I bet Mr. Brady never ?? Marcia. But then again, Marcia wasn’t so whory.
LAURIE (almost crying): No, she really wasn’t!
ERIC: What? No! Come on, this is our thing! You love this, I’m mean to you, you’re mean to me, so come on, hit me!
LAURIE (still upset): Sorry, I can’t. Not today.
Red comes down the stairs
RED: Eric, you were just leaving.
ERIC: Dad, I think maybe you should take it a little easy on her...
ERIC (to Laurie): You’re on your own... (he leaves)
RED: Laurie, I’ve been thinking. About the uh...the thing that happened. At the place you live. And uh I want you to know that I understand that you’re not my little girl anymore.
LAURIE: I like being your little girl!
RED: But you’re not. You’re my daughter. And you’re a grown-up. Who is going to do awful and stupid things. I’ll still love you.
LAURIE: I love you too. And I’m sorry. So Daddy, can I move back in?
RED: Oh yeah, okay! Good! (he hugs her) Yeah! Great to have you back! (he leaves)
Kitty comes down the stairs after listening to Red and Laurie
KITTY: So, your man-friend kicked you out didn’t he?
LAURIE: NO! He moved back in with his wife.
KITTY: Well I just, I need a little yellow pill (she leaves)