POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN MIDSUMMER 9:17 P.M. FRANKLIN ROAD THE VISTA CRUISER HYDE: “Guys, can we do something besides cruise? It's the third time tonight we've driven by that house!” KELSO: “You know what we could do… We could go skinny dipping! Naked! That's the way God intended!” JACKIE: “No way.” KELSO: “Why not? It'd be fun.” DONNA: “Well sure, it's fun for you guys, ‘cause you'd get to look at us, and that's a treat! But we just get to look at you and that's nasty!” ERIC: “So, you don't wanna do it?” DONNA: “Well, I don't care, I'll do it.” ERIC: “Oh, okay, I'm in!” FEZ: “Naked is dirty! Dirty, dirty, dirty! Dirty dirty dirty!” THEY all start saying : “Dirty dirty dirty!” THEY all start to dance . LATER EVERYONE is naked in the VISTA CRUISER. JACKIE: “This was such great idea Michael, this was so much fun! Oh wait, except for the part where our clothes got stolen, you idiot!” HYDE: “By the way Fez, nice tattoo man.” FEZ: “Thank you. It is the blessed Virgin of Jerbalinda. Do you want to see her dance? ” ALL: “No!” ERIC: “Guys, we need a plan, I'm not about to drive to the house with a car full of naked people! Red hates you guys when you're dressed!” HYDE: “We could go to my house!” KELSO: “Yeah, your mom's used to having naked guys around.” HYDE: “She's not even home you moron!” HE starts punching KELSO. FEZ: “Put on the top forty.” HE leans over from the backseat and tries to switch on the radio. HYDE: “Wow! Sit down Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!” FEZ: “Well, what do you want me to do about it?” HYDE: “I don't know, tuck it in!” OPENING CREDITS FORMAN KITCHEN
RED is sitting at the kitchen table, reading the paper, and KITTY is preparing to cook something. RED: “Pork chops? I thought we agreed do stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!” KITTY: “Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!” RED gets up. RED: “Kitty, the plant's gonna be closing soon. I mean we have to watch our money.” KITTY: “Well, maybe I could put you on the sugar diet. That would save money.” RED: “Sugar diet?” SHE kisses him. KITTY: “Sweet, huh?” RED: “Gee, that's perfect! Give me another spoonful.” THEY kiss again. RED: “Tasty and cheap!” KITTY stops mixing together the bowl. SHE looks at him. RED: “Now, when I say cheap, uh, I mean, you know…” KITTY: “Shut up.” SHE kisses him again. HYDE'S HOUSE THE GUYS are wearing some of HYDE'S clothes. HYDE comes in with a six-pack of beer. HE tosses one to KELSO. FEZ: “So this is your home?” HYDE: “Yup.” FEZ: “Well this explains a lot of your behavior.” HE tosses one to FEZ. HE sits down. HYDE: “Come on man, this is great! It's better than Forman's basement. That's a color T.V. and I just got new vice grips, so now we can watch any channel we want!” HE tosses a beer to ERIC. ERIC: “Hyde, your mom really just ran off with some trucker?” HYDE: “No Forman, I made it up because it sounds so classy.” ERIC: “Why would she just run off with some trucker?” HYDE: “It's spring time! Love is in the air man!” ERIC: “Hyde and she just left you here alone?” HYDE: “Look, I realize this is hard for you to get your head around Oppie. You're failing to see the upside here. We've got food, we've got beer, we have zero adult supervision. Welcome to Camp Naughty Bad Fun!” JACKIE and DONNA come out from another room. DONNA is dressed in a frivolous nighty, and JACKIE is rolled up in a blanket . HYDE: “Jackie, you couldn't find anything?” JACKIE: “Ok, but no offense Hyde, but all your mother's clothes are whory.” DONNA: “What?” JACKIE faces DONNA. JACKIE: “Oh, but they look great on you Donna!” DONNA: “Thanks Jackie.” HYDE tosses DONNA a beer. JACKIE walks over to KELSO. JACKIE: “Michael, can you please take me home? Look, I think I caught something at the reservoir.” KELSO: “Like an eel?” THE GUYS laugh. JACKIE: “Not that you idiot! I think I'm sick!” FEZ: “Oh, I caught an eel!” HYDE looks at him and moves farther in his seat. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN MIDGE is taking a tray out of the oven. BOB: “But Midge, why do you have to have your ‘Woman Warrior' meetings here every week?” MIDGE: “Because none of the other feminists' husbands will let them.” BOB: “Boy, those bastards!” MIDGE: “I know! Bob, these meetings have really opened my eyes. For example, the English language is so oppressive to women. I mean why is it mailman and not mailwoman?” BOB: “Why do they even call mail, mail? Why not call it female?” MIDGE: “Yes, you see Bob, now you're thinking!” BOB: “No, I'm not. I'm just being funny because that's stupid!” SHE picks up a platter. MIDGE: “Okay, then that's why you're a part of the problem.” SHE goes to the living room. BOB: “My wife is a maniac! I'm sorry, a womaniac!” HE starts fixing himself a sandwich. SHARON, one of the feminists comes in. SHARON: Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know anyone else was in here!” SHE goes to the fridge . SHARON: “You must be Midge's husband!” BOB: “I guess.” SHE take a soda. SHARON: “She's a real Gung-ho Woman Warrior! You must be very proud!” BOB: “I guess.” SHARON stops in her tracks and looks at him. SHARON: “Well, call me old-fashioned, but when I see you sitting there eating a sandwich, it makes me darn tooting mad! I mean I think a married man who provides for his family deserves to come home to a hot meal. Don't you?” BOB looks at her. BOB: “You're neat!” THE BASEMENT FEZ, ERIC and HYDE are just sitting. RED comes downstairs. RED: “Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner! I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass! Get a move on!” FEZ gets up and walks to RED. FEZ: “Oh, Red!” HE puts his arm over RED'S shoulder. FEZ: “You need to relax. Anger is bad for the soul.” HE pokes his chest. RED: “It's Fez, right?” FEZ: “Yes.” RED: “Get out!” FEZ: “Okay, got it!” HE leaves. RED, to ERIC : “Come on, wash up.” RED heads to the stairs. ERIC jumps over the couch and joins him. ERIC: “Hey dad, um, can I talk to you for a second? Um, do you think that Hyde could stay for dinner?” RED: “Oh! Eric, again! I can't afford to feed your friends! I can't even afford to feed you but the law requires me to!” ERIC: “Look, his mom's out of town.” RED: “Alright.” HE looks at HYDE. RED: “But you have to fill up on bread! And the two of you are splitting a pork chop!” HE goes upstairs. HYDE: “Thanks man!” ERIC: “Oh, no problem!” HYDE: “So you do know you're not getting any of that pork chop, right?” ERIC: “Is that so?” THEY both run to the stairs. ERIC is in the lead, but HYDE grabs him and leaps over him. JACKIE'S BEDROOM SOMEONE knocks on the door. JACKIE hides her face behind a pillow. JACKIE: “Michael, go away! I'm sick, I don't have any makeup on, my hair is a mess and I look hideous!” KELSO stands in the doorway holding a teddy bear. KELSO: “Jackie, come on, I don't care what you look like. I just wanna see you!” JACKIE: “Why?” KELSO: “Well, ‘cause you're my girlfriend. And I got you a present!” JACKIE puts down the pillow. SHE looks hideous. KELSO looks shocked. THE light in the room become red. KELSO sees her as a man wearing a wig. JACKIE: “Aww! Oh Michael, that is so sweet!” KELSO turns around. JACKIE: “Oh, it's the sweetest thing ever! Let me hold it!” KELSO gives her the teddy without turning around. JACKIE: “Aww, thank you! Lover!” SHE opens her arms and KELSO turns around and starts screaming. HYDE'S HOME HYDE is sitting in his armchair, talking to EDNA on the phone. HYDE: “Mom, mom, mom!… Yeah, I couldn't help noticing that you're not home yet…Oh, is that right?…” HE gets up, still holding the phone. ERIC come over with a sandwich and stops in front of the screen door. HYDE, continuing : “Okay, great, yeah! No, no, no, you know, whatever makes you happy!” HE hangs up and throws the phone across the room. Just then HE notices ERIC. HYDE: “Hey Forman.” ERIC: “Hi.” HYDE: “Come on in, make yourself at home!” ERIC comes in. HYDE: “I'm out of beer, but if you want, you can break something.” ERIC: “Actually, I had my eye on the phone, so… Hey, what's that?” HYDE: “It's crackers with ketchup on top for, uh, you know, for zest.” ERIC: “Okay, well, I'm just gonna guess that Edna's not coming back.” HYDE: “No man, she's just been delayed a little bit.” HYDE sits down and ERIC sits down in the armchair. ERIC: “Oh, okay.” HE glances in front of him. ERIC: “Oh okay. Didn't there use to be a T.V. there?” HYDE: “Yeah, I pawned it.” ERIC: “You pawned your mom's T.V.? Hyde, she's not coming back.” HYDE: “Okay, she's not coming back, alright?” ERIC: “So, so, what are you, what are you gonna do?” HYDE: “Sell the house.” ERIC: “You rent!” HYDE: “I guess I'm in more trouble than I thought.” HE gets up and takes a cracker. ERIC: “No, Hyde. No Hyde! I'm serious here! You need help my friend!” HYDE: “No Forman, you would need help. I'll be fine!” ERIC: “Cool. I brought you this sandwich.” HYDE takes the sandwich. HYDE: “Fine, I'll take your sandwich.” HE sits down on the couch and starts taking big bites, as if he didn't eat for a couple of days. HYDE, in between bites : “After this, no more help.” ERIC just looks at him. THE BASEMENT aka THE CIRCLE ERIC: “Hyde's mom is gone and he is going downhill. I mean he's sitting over there in the dark eating ketchup off crackers!” KELSO: “I ate gum off a parking meter once! It was on a dare. Made a dollar. Man, there's some suckers out there, huh!” FEZ is eating some beef jerky. FEZ: “Crackers and Ketchup are K words, which makes them naturally funny!” DONNA is laughing. DONNA: “Oh my God! I can feel like all the molecules in my body! I'm gonna count them!” SHE closes her eyes. DONNA: “One, two, three…” ERIC is watching a Scooby Doo story on one of those thingies. ERIC: “You guys disgust me, doesn't anyone care about Hyde? Oh my God! Run Scooby! Now run!” KELSO: “You know what's freaking me out? I saw Jackie sick, without makeup! And it was like the freakiest thing I've seen in my entire, entire life! Including the class trip to the sausage factory!” FEZ: “Ai. If I ever see the inside of another cow, it will be too soon! Jerky?” HE passes it to KELSO. DONNA is still counting. DONNA: “Eighteen, nineteen…” SHE looks at her hands. DONNA: “I have the biggest hands in the world! Damn it! One…” ERIC: “So his mom's gone and I know he doesn't want any help, but the Donner party didn't get any help, and then, I mean, they ate each other so…” HE looks at KELSO. ERIC: “Hey, don't … that jerky!” HE reaches over and takes it. KELSO: “Yeah, no parents would be cool! Like the ‘Lord of the Flies!'” ERIC: “Kelso, did you even finish ‘Lord of the flies?'” KELSO: “No. So?” ERIC: “Nothing. Look, what are we gonna do about Hyde? I think we should tell someone.” KELSO: “Yeah, what am I gonna do about Jackie? I can't even look at her!” FEZ: “She is unpleasant when she's healthy, so I cannot imagine how she looks like…” DONNA points at him. DONNA: “Kelso, Jackie's, Jackie's my friend!” SHE points at HIM again. DONNA: “And you're shallow!” SHE starts looking at her finger, while she's pointing. DONNA: “And pathetic. And you know what else? My hands are huge!” SHE puts up her hands, showing them. DONNA: “They're like boxing gloves!” SHE forms fists. DONNA, putting her hands up like a Mohamed Ali : “I am the greatest!” ERIC: “Okay champ, whatever you…” SHE punches him out. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN BOB is standing in the kitchen, wearing a leisure suit. HE tucks his stomach in, checks his breath and his afro. HE sits down and waits. The moment SHARON walks in, BOB picks up his sandwich . SHARON: “Oh, hello Bob.” BOB: “Oh, hi Bab! Sharon. Baloney?” HE shows her his sandwich and she laughs. MIDGE comes in . MIDGE: “Bob, what are you doing?” BOB: “Nothing, we were just talking!” SHE takes two small bowls that are in front of him. MIDGE: “These Jordan almonds are for the feminists!” BOB: “Oh yes, sorry.” MIDGE: “Come on Sharon, I saved you a seat on the ottoman, oh, I mean ottowoman!” THEY BOTH leave. BOB takes a bite of his sandwich . BOB: “I'm sick of baloney! I want a new sandwich!” FORMAN KITCHEN KITTY: “Eric, I'm sure she's not abandoning Steven. She's his mother!” ERIC: “Mom, her exact words were ‘I know I'm your mother, but I'm abandoning you Steven.'” KITTY: “Oh, that doesn't sound very good. No sirey! Red!” RED: “Look Eric, you know I'd love to help Steven, I'm a giver. But you can't squeeze blood from a stone, son.” KITTY: “Well, you know, we could, we could just pop over there just to check up on him.” RED: “No, I'm not going over there, that's final! I am not Santa Claus!” KITTY: “Well, thank God you're not Santa Claus Red! You'd scare the hell out of children!” ERIC nods. JACKIE'S BEDROOM JACKIE is in bed, someone knocks on the door. JACKIE: “Go away Michael!” SHE throws the teddy bear he gave her at the door. The door starts opening. JACKIE turns around, facing the wall so he doesn't see her. KELSO: “Jackie, please, I really need to talk to you. I wanna apologize for screaming when I looked at you the other day. It's just, you looked really gross! But I've been doing a lot of thinking. And I realized something.” JACKIE faces him and then turns away again. KELSO: “I realized that just because you look bad now, that, that doesn't mean you're gonna look bad forever! I mean, I just saw your mom downstairs, and even though she's pretty old, she's really hot!” JACKIE smiles. KELSO: “And that gives me hope for the future!” SHE turns around. JACKIE: “Aww Michael!” KELSO: “Let me finish.” HE sits down next to her on the bed. KELSO: “I guess what I'm trying to say is that I realized that this whole mess, that's just a temporary thing. But physical beauty, that lasts forever!” JACKIE: “Aww, that is so true!” SHE leans over for a kiss, but he backs away. KELSO: “Oh, later maybe, later…” JACKIE: “Right, right.” PINCIOTTI KITCHEN BOB is eating his sandwich and talking to SHARON . BOB: “And I tell them, I could sell them the cheaper one, but it'll wind up costing more in the long run, which is a mathematical impossibility, but, they buy it anyway.” SHARON: “I just love a man who's passionate about his work. Oh, come here, you have a little something right there.” BOB leans over and SHARON wipes his mouth. DONNA comes in. BOB: “Oh Donna, this is Sharon, she's, she's part of your mom's feminist group. She hates men too!” SHARON: “Well, I should be getting back to the meeting.” SHE goes. DONNA: “Why all dressed up?” BOB: “I'm not dressed up! This is ‘California Casual'! There's nothing going on here! Everything is fine between your mother and me!” DONNA: “Okay.” BOB: “Look Donna, can't a man have a conversation with an attentive woman without getting the third degree?” DONNA: “Sure dad.” BOB: “Alright, apology excepted. Now be a good girl and sneak in there and get daddy some of those Jordan almonds!” DONNA: “Well no dad, those are for the feminists.” SHE leaves. BOB: “Oh God! They got to her too!” HYDE'S HOME RED is sitting on the couch and HYDE in his armchair. RED: “You, um, you need a coffee table.” HYDE: “Yeah, that'd really pull the room together.” KITTY comes in from another room. KITTY: “Steven, I, I was gonna, I was gonna clean your kitchen for you, but, um, frankly, I'm afraid!” RED gets up and moves to the door. RED: “Well, look like he's got everything under control. Kitty, I'll be in the car!” KITTY: “Red.” HE stops in front of the screen door. KITTY: “Steven, why don't you go to your room and gather some clothes and I'll do a load of wash for you at our house.” HYDE: “Cool.” HE jumps over the couch and pushes the door to his room. He pushes harder and he make a space tiny enough for him to go in. HE goes in. KITTY: “Well, we can't let him live like this.” RED: “Oh Kitty, he'll be fine. I mean, compared to Korea, this place is Shangra-La wrapped in happy fun candy! You… You know I'd like to help him. We don't have the money.” KITTY: “Well, I suppose we could call social services.” RED: “Yeah, see now that's sensible.” KITTY: “Yeah, they'll know what to do.” RED: “Yes.” KITTY: “And after all they take thousands of cases every year. So many in fact that they have to house them in gymnasiums!” SHE starts crying. Red: “Kitty!” KITTY: “With no heat!” THE bleeps are put there instead of obscenities. RED: “Bleep, Damn it! I am tired of being beep Santa Claus!” HYDE comes out of his room with an overnight bag. RED: “Steven! You get you bleep together and you get your ass in the bleep damned car! We're going! Bleep! Now bleep damn it! Move it!” HYDE looks panicked. HE looks around and then runs out. HYDE: “Okay!” KITTY: “You are just the sweetest man alive!” SHE goes out. RED looks around. RED: “BLEEP!” HE goes out. THE BASEMENT HYDE is walking back and forth. ERIC is sitting on the couch. HYDE: “You know, Red really yelled at me Forman!” ERIC: “Yeah, um, get used to that.” HYDE: “This blows man! When I was living at home, I didn't have to answer anybody! I made my own rules! You screwed me Forman! I told you this is none of your business!” KITTY comes down the stairs with two cups and saucers. HYDE sits down in the couch. KITTY: “Steven, Eric! Here's your cocoa!” SHE hands each of them a cup of hot cocoa and some cookies. HYDE: “Thanks Mrs. Forman!” SHE kisses the top of his head. ERIC: “Thanks mom!” SHE kisses the top of his head. SHE goes back upstairs. HYDE: “You're lucky I don't kick your ass! Are you gonna eat your cookies?” ERIC puts his cookies in HYDE'S saucer. THE TAG THE BASEMENT
FEZ has his pants down and is moving his hips. THE REST of the GANG is watching his ass. ERIC: “Oh, that's it, I gotta get a tattoo!” DONNA: “Please don't!” HYDE: “That's incredible!” JACKIE: “But disgusting!” KELSO: “No, no, no, that's incredible and disgusting!” FEZ: “You wanna see her pick up a dime?” ALL: “No!” FEZ: “How about a quarter?” ALL: “No!”
THE END