Relations are strained between Donna and Eric when she keeps beating him at one-on-one and other games. Jackie warns Donna that Eric will never be her boyfriend if she doesn't let him win. Red spends all his time around the house fixing things that aren't broken.
Opening the episode in the basement, Jackie gets Eric to reluctantly admit that the Fonz can beat up Bruce Lee. As Jackie gets up to leave, she convinces Kelso to do his Chico and the Man impression, backed by sarcastic encouragement from Hyde, and Eric.
After Jackie leaves, Eric asks Kelso why he can't date someone "a little less annoying," to which Kelso replies "like who?" As the gang starts making suggestions, the topic turns to which girls at Point Place High School have the biggest breasts. In walks Red to fix the dryer, but leaves after a moment to get his vice grips. With Red upstairs, Kitty comes down and informs the gang that, due to having his work hours cut, Red spends most of his time fixing things that aren't broken. Kitty leaves to go "hide the crock pot." As Red returns to the basement, he hears Kelso talking about breasts, and kicks him out. Roll opening credits.
Out in the driveway, Donna is watching Eric and Kelso play one-on-one basketball. Feigning skill, and play-by-playing his own dribbling, Eric loses the ball to Kelso, who easily grabs it and scores, winning the game. Donna jumps up and declares playing winner, but Kelso grabs his bag to go home and call Jackie. Donna and Eric synchronously mock his Chico impression as he leaves through the back yard.
Donna then plays Eric at basketball, proceeding to kick his ass. Disheartened, and a little embarrassed, Eric heads in for the night, leaving the porch light on so Donna doesn't have to "gloat in the dark."
Meanwhile, halfway through dinner that night, the Forman's are sitting at the table when Red decides that the table is wobbly, and elects Eric to help him flip the table over. Kitty shoots the idea down, given it's dinner time. Eric tells Red to put a sugar packet under it to even it out, which prompts a typical 'Red Forman rant' about how people always look for the easy way out. "Well, not me," he says. "I'm getting a damned saw." And off he goes to the garage.
Down in the basement, Kelso, Fez, Eric and Hyde are sitting in the circle later that night, discussing Donna's beating of Eric at basketball. Eric doesn't think it's a big deal, but the guys set the record straight, calling him a wuss. The discussion soon turns to how whipped Jackie has Kelso.
The next day, Red manages to get the legs sawed off the table, but a misjudgment now has the table listing severely. Kitty attempts to put a melon on the table, but upon letting go of it, it rolls off and smashes on the floor. Next door in the Pinciotti kitchen, Bob tells Midge that he has to head back to work. He also mentions that their table is also wobbly, and to stuff some sugar packets under it.
Jackie calls Donna a second later, and tells her that she's supposed to let him win at basketball, or else he'll never want to be her boyfriend (drawing a parallel with West Side Story). Donna blows her off and hangs up, but Midge, who overheard the conversation, tells her that Jackie is right. Midge tells her that men need to feel superior. As Bob leaves for work, Midge demonstrates by challenging him to open a jar of pickles, to which Bob gladly accepts. Donna displays her utter disgust at the sexist display on Midge's part.
Over at The Hub, Hyde and Fez are waiting for Kelso to get off the phone with Jackie, who is rambling. Late for a movie, Kelso covers the ear piece (instead of the microphone) on the phone and announces that he will make up an emergency to get her to hang up. Hyde points out that he's covering the wrong part of the phone, and Jackie hangs up on him. They leave for the movie.
Also in The Hub, Donna offers to play Eric at air-hockey. Eric declines, but Donna is quick to point out that she's not very good at it, so he changes his mind. After making a single shot, Donna abandons her "pretend to lose" approach, and again kicks his ass. A tight shot of Eric shows him dressed as a woman, with breasts quickly inflating in his dress.
Back at the Forman house, Red thinks he's finally got the legs on the table even, but he's sawed too much off, and the table is now much too short. Kitty suggests that they can get rid of the chairs and sit on the floor, but Red heads back to the garage to make new legs for the table.
Later on in the driveway, Eric is practicing his basketball game when Donna shows up and offers a rematch. Unsure at first, he takes a shot. Swish! He takes her up on the offer. As Donna gets the ball, she clearly starts losing on purpose, letting Eric score without a hitch.
Eric immediately picks up on her tactic, and questions her. Donna tells him that she doesn't want him to feel bad about losing to a girl again. Eric tells her that being pitied is much worse, and a short argument ensues, during which Eric kicks Donna off the property. Kitty comes outside, overhearing the argument, and tells Eric that it's silly to feel bad about losing a game to a girl. Eric doesn't want to talk about it.
Kitty then remembers that she came outside to find a distraction for Red, who's in the house fixing the refrigerator. The distraction comes in the way of Kitty picking up a sledge hammer and smashing the tensioner on the garage door, and calling for Red to "forget the refrigerator, there's something wrong with the garage door."
Later, at The Hub, Jackie is standing behind Kelso, pressuring him to apologize for being a dill hole. Hyde tells him to be strong, and Kelso goes to set Jackie straight. Upon facing Jackie, however, he immediately backs down, apologizing profusely, much to Jackie's delight, and also, to the dismay of Hyde and Fez.
Back in the driveway, Donna is practicing when Eric comes out. They both end up apologizing to each other, and decide to play a game. After some heavy fouls from Donna, including tackling Eric, they end up somewhat awkwardly on top of each other in the driveway. Bob hollers for Donna to come home. As she jogs off to her house, Eric asks her who won. She says that she wasn't keeping score.
The garage door opens, and there's Red, who was in there the whole time watching the game. He tells Eric that Donna won, and that he's going to do basketball drills all night until bedtime. After 100 squat-thrusts, Red tells a very exhausted Eric that it's time to play one-on-one.
At The Hub, Jackie is "on the phone" with Michael. Actually, she doesn't realize that Fez is listening to her talk, and then telling Michael what to reply. Fez ruins this by responding to Jackie himself when she was talking about skinny-dipping with Michael at the reservoir.
The episode ends with Red, who finally managed fix the kitchen table. Red mentions that he might want to shorten the legs a bit. A wide shot shows that Red, Eric, and Kitty (on a step-stool) are all standing up at the table eating.
- Topher Grace as Eric Forman
- Mila Kunis as Jackie Burkhart
- Ashton Kutcher as Michael Kelso
- Danny Masterson as Steven Hyde
- Laura Prepon as Donna Pinciotti
- Wilmer Valderrama as Fez
- Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman
- Kurtwood Smith as Red Forman
- Tanya Roberts as Midge Pinciotti
- Don Stark as Bob Pinciotti
- Red – For God's sake, Kitty...I think I know how to shave the legs off a table
- Eric – You're tellin' me!
- Kelso – I'm not pig-whipped!
- Hyde – Are you kidding? (mocking Jackie) Michael, call me at 8!
- Eric – [also mocking Jackie] Michael, do your Chico impression!
- Fez – [also mocking Jackie] Michael, rub oil on my thighs before I spank you
- The title of this episode is a pun on the term "Battle of the Sexes".
Jackie tells Donna that if Maria and Tony from West Side Story had played basketball one-on-one and Maria had won, they never would have fallen in love. Donna retorts "And then Tony would never have been killed in that knife fight.". Actually, Riff and Bernardo were killed in the knife fight, while Tony was later shot by Chino.
- let it ride | BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE
- sweet home alabama | LYNYRD SKYNYRD
- all the young dudes | MOTT THE HOOPLE
- everything's coming up roses | BETTE MIDLER